How I Know I'm Not Young Anymore: 15 Ways

1. I can remember things that seem impossible now, like how restaurants and airplanes used to be sectioned into "smoking" and "non-smoking" seating. For that reason, I hated being friends with smokers. Sometimes the salad bar would be too close to the smoking section in a restaurant and it would make the food taste bad.

2. I still remember sharing one rotary phone with everyone in my house. You had to stand next to the wall, attached by a cord, to talk on it. If you were upstairs when your phone rang, you had to run downstairs really fast. If you missed the call, there was no way to know who'd been trying to reach you. You might literally never find out.  

We had this phone.

3. I remember what a big deal it was when we got an answering machine. It was exciting when you came home to see a blinking light.

4. I have owned a pager.

5. I once said I'd never own a cell phone, because I "just didn't need one." 

6. All of the celebrities I think are cool are old people.

Is that Eddie Vedder, or someone's cheesy dad? Oh wait it's both.

7. When my husband and I hear new rock songs on the radio, we exclaim, "This isn't rock music!" We shake our heads and feel disgusted.

8. I found myself "resting my eyes" at a concert last night. 😁

9. When anyone in my first grade class had a birthday, our teacher made the birthday kid go to the front of the room, where she paddled the kid one time for each year he or she had been alive.
My teacher did not get fired for this.
It was a different time.

10. After my dog passed away, I was so upset all the time, I got a wrinkle between my eyes and it never went away.  

11. I hate my chair at work because it lacks lumbar support.

12. I am about to take out a loan to buy a shit-ton of windows. I am excited about this.

13. Some of the smartest people at my job are younger than me.

14. My proximity to a rest room is a real concern I have to plan around. I just can't hold it all day anymore.

15. I am still sensitive, but I don't really care what you think of me anymore.

So at least there's that.
:)



 

Curry, Boiling the Bathwater, and Roasted Mice: Ode to My Shitty Apartment

It was kind of charming, even though it smelled like curry.

My first apartment was smaller than many dorm rooms, but somehow, I loved it. I rented the attic of a three-story house in Squirrel Hill. 

It didn’t bother me that the ceilings sloped with the shape of the roof, meaning that you couldn’t stand up unless you were in the middle of the apartment. If you ventured too far left or right, you had to stoop or take a seat. It also meant I couldn’t have any tall furniture—like a refrigerator. I kept a mini fridge under the kitchen counter.

But the ceilings reminded me of a dollhouse, which seemed fun, so I hunkered down and enjoyed it.

I was also charmed by the antique details, like the big claw-foot bathtub. There was no shower, which worked out, since there was never any hot water. Every night, I would place my four biggest pots on the stove and boil water. If I hurried, potholders in hand, I could dump enough boiling water into my tub to take the chill off my lukewarm bath. I got used to this, even though the process took half my night.

I was, however, bothered by the heat in the summer. If you’ve ever stepped into an attic in August, you've felt how the oppressive, sauna-like heat rises. Great, nauseating waves of heat would wake me up in the middle of the night.

I worried about my cat, left to roast in her fur while I was at work, so I ran an AC unit in one of the two small windows during the day. The unit worked so hard all day that by the time I got home, it could barely cough out a stale breath. I’d turn it off so it would be ready to cool again by the time I left for work the next day. 

So it was hot. It was cramped. And then, along came a colicky baby. 

The family on the second floor had a baby that wailed every night from about 1am till dawn. This would have been bad enough in an apartment building, but we lived in a house together. This angry baby was basically my roommate.

You might have sympathy for this baby and his parents. Here is why I did not.

Any time — every time! — I tried to vacuum, those same neighbors would bang on my door and angrily inform me that I had to stop, because their baby was napping. The only time they permitted me to run the vacuum was the rare occasions when they were not home. 

They would also throw their things into the washing machine while I was doing my laundry. The shock of finding their hallway rug in with my delicates left me too speechless to ever confront them about it.

I decided that this baby, and his parents, were jerks. 

But the last straw came when I heard a strange scurry in the middle of the night. The next day, I found a mouse, brazenly out in the open and watching me from my curtain rod.

I shrieked. Then I called my mom. She came over, cornered him, caught him in a boot, and took him outside. 

But, it turned out, he’d left his entire family behind.

I found this out when I baked cookies in my oven and smelled something strange. Something very dry was burning.

I had cooked a mouse nest.

And finally, finally, but just like that -- I didn’t love my apartment anymore.

Mercifully, another apartment had just opened up a few blocks away. It was close enough for me to carry my meager belongings and tiny furniture down the street. My cat and I broke the lease and left the attic, mouse nest and all, behind. 

Today my co-worker described her first apartment, which was in a complex with cafes, a pool, and a gym. I opened my mouth to describe my first home away from home and realized I didn't even know where to start. 

Instead, I told her that it sounded really, 

really 

nice. 

I Start a New Job Tomorrow

Tomorrow feels like the first day of school. For the first time in over a decade, I am starting a new job.

So long, old life! You were strange and sometimes wonderful.

My head is spinning. I'm curious about every little thing that's going to happen to me tomorrow. And I guess that's the source of my anxiety today…not that I think I can't do this, but rather, right now, I can't even picture my tomorrow.

I've spent much of today just trying to imagine what my new desk will look like, and what we'll talk about at lunch time.

(What will I talk about at lunch time? People seem to think I'm fun, but not everyone gets me at first.  My plan is to just be nice and see what these people are like. They're a creative bunch, so these should be my kind of people, right? … See--I'm not going to get any sleep tonight.)

The last time I started a new job, I still lived with my parents, didn't know how to drive car, and wore long, straight hair down to my butt. (I brushed it to death, every morning.) I was a 22-year-old, and a very young one at that. I didn't know how to sound like an adult on the phone or contribute to a meeting.

But over the next decade, I'd learn how to run meetings, hire good people, and make sure great people could succeed. So this time, with a whole phase of my career under my belt, I'm going in to my new job as someone who's supposed to be an expert.

Sometimes I feel nervous about that. It's a lot of pressure.

Other times, I feel a sense of relief--because I chose this job because it's what I'm good at doing.

I guess there's nothing left to do right now except go to bed and wake up curious but ready.

Wish me luck!

Truths You Don't Learn Until Adulthood

• Hard work will take you far in life. Getting your boss to like you will take you farther.
• Identify the things that you're interested in and learn a lot about them. This will make you interesting. 
• It's more important to meet people who are interesting than to meet people you have things in common with. 
• It really is okay to have small breasts. Padded bras will  make your clothes fit just fine, and they're much more convenient than lugging around large boobs.
• Exercise can make you feel better. 
• It doesn't matter what people think of you. It matters what you think of them.
• If you have wavy or curly hair, for the love of God, do not brush it!
• You will acclimate to your level of happiness and forget to appreciate things. But, enthusiasm and appreciation make everything better. 
• The people you once thought were old were only 25! 
• It's a good practice to be nice. But sometimes, it's better not to be.
• If you are female, most people will lead you to believe that it's your duty, and not your choice, to get married and then pregnant. Those people are wrong.
• High school and college aren't as important as the projects you tackle and the people you meet there.
• Pay attention to the people, things, and places you like when you're a little kid. These archetypes will show up again later.
• Shit doesn't matter. Like, any of it. You'll know it when it does. 
• Never stop playing!