The Weirdest Things I've Ordered Online During the Pandemic

I wait for it every day. I keep a spreadsheet of delivery dates. As the daily sameness of the pandemic stretches on, I get more and more excited about ... my mail.

With nowhere to go, refunded concert tickets and vacations back in my bank account, and fewer daily expenses, online shopping has become my main form of entertainment. I get giddy when I realize we need something. I'm more susceptible to ads than ever before.

And as I try to make sense of these strange times, I find myself following epidemiologists, government teachers, and historians on social media — and realizing that I'm not immune to influencer culture. (More on that, and how I tried to smell like my favorite vaccine researcher, below!)

From a search for comfort to coping with outright boredom, here are some of my weirdest pandemic purchases.

(Note: I realize the pandemic has brought devastating financial ruin to so many people. I've previously written about that topic, and hope my nonprofit work and my donations have helped someone less fortunate than me. This post is not about that. It is about how I am doing my small part to keep the economy going with such nonsense shopping as ... )

 

Post-its, of course.

 

A Bunch of Crap That Definitely Did Not Need to Be Personalized

So ... Shutterfly sends me coupon codes for "free" personalized stuff — you just pay shipping and handling. I see that their products must cost them pennies to produce, with their profits buried in the "handling." Fine, whatever. All I know is, I am powerless to resist almost-free magnets featuring my dog's face and this future garbage you see here.

The almost-free coffee mugs could only be ordered with weird templates. After rejecting LIVE LAUGH LOVE and #blessed designs, I ended up with this Coffee First mug with my Bitmoji face. What do you think?

Things I Like, Randomly Re-imagined as Comfy Clothes

These days, I don't want to wear anything I can't also do my favorite pandemic activities in: yoga, walking the dog, and sleeping.

I now own a drawer full of leggings — like this lapis-lazuli crystal-inspired pair below — and lots and lots of cozy shirts that scream, "Teenage angst has paid off well." (R.I.P. Kurt.)

This is basically the second picture in a "how it started/how it's going" meme

 

Me on me.

Oh Yeah, and This Shirt With My Name on It

With the recent resurgence of Dolly Parton's popularity, I guess I wanted to assert the fact that I've been all about Dolly since the day I was born. (WWDD?)

The Grownup Version of Kid's Candy Store Raid

Things I've legit had delivered to my house in the past year:

- Multiple cases of overpriced ice cream, with flavors like "Sweet Cream With Biscuits and Peach"

- Dozens of coffee flavors, ranging from Electric Unicorn (fruit cereal) to French Toast.

- And The day I opened a box containing every flavor of M&Ms that Target carries, so I could make M&M salad, I knew I had a problem. 

Perfume That Was Supposed to Smell Like a Waffle Cone

While I'm quick to claim that I don't get influencer culture, damn it if I didn't run and buy Waffle Cone perfume just because my favorite epidemiologist mentioned it. 

It turns out, it smells more like "antique store" to me, so I won't be smelling like a celebrity vaccine researcher after all. Let's just say, I could have never imagined writing any of these sentences in the normal world of 2019.

Colored Sunglasses

This one, I can't really explain. They're supposed to be mood-enhancing. Look, I don't know.

And other random things like ...

A garlic press. Elizabeth Warren fangirl gear. Boxes and boxes of dog toys. Pee-Wee Herman Valentines. And these socks that were supposed to make my toes feel good ... which, maybe they do? Look, I told you I can't explain!

And I didn't even tell you about my Ashwaganda mood-enhancing gummy snacks! So tell me, what's the most random thing you've bought during the pandemic? (Please tell me I'm not alone here.) Let me know!